Saying the word "vulnerable" doesn't make you vulnerable
“Can I be vulnerable for a second here?”
Tracey was relaying the details of a conversation she had with her husband, Justin, over the weekend. She’d been trying to talk to him about some issues that came up for her with Justin’s parents when they were in town for a visit. As Tracey rolled the verbal tape and paused with that question, I glanced back and forth between them both, assessing Justin for readiness and Tracey for delivery. Did he catch the significance? Was he ready for it? Would she miss her target? “Can I be vulnerable for a second” is a “brace yourself; something big’s coming,” kind of signal flare. It commands attention, and rightfully so. Shit’s about to get real, hopefully.
Unfortunately, using “vulnerable” in a sentence, doesn’t mean you’re actually being vulnerable.
It’s like an “I-Statement” gone wrong. Just because you say the words, “I feel,” first, doesn’t give you full authority to say whatever you want afterward and expect an amazing result. “I feel like you’re a total a-hole,” is the same as saying, “If I can be vulnerable with you for a second, you’re being a total a-hole.” That’s a miss, and unfortunately, not just falls flat in the space of connection, but has an opposite impact over time and creates damage and injury in the space of trust.
Tricky, I know. It’s what comes after that statement though, both the words and the delivery of them that will either connect the thread from one person to the next, or absolutely sever it. What comes after that statement is where the actual vulnerability lies.
The word, “vulnerable” or “vulnerability” has become as over-played as the Eagles' Hotel California. When Brené Brown’s ground-breaking research on shame and vulnerability led to a viral TED talk that turned it into a household phrase, it was left unhinged in the matrix. We took her definition of it from, “uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure,” and diluted it down to, “say whatever the f- you want and expect closer relationships.” Um, no, not what that means.
Like “authenticity,” “vulnerability,” has now become the word to use, but not the thing to actually do. And for good reason, it’s really, really f-ing hard and most of us don’t know how to do it. But it’s so incredibly imperative. Vulnerability is how we get to fulfill the deep longing inside of ourselves, every one of us, for love.
It requires a shit-ton of courage to do because there is no guarantee that being vulnerable is going to get what you want, which is why it’s so ripe to be disastrous. We get scared when we’re doing it, or about to do it, so we quickly backtrack and say something dud-worthy after we’ve announced we’re about to say something epic. Shit.
If you’re trying to build more meaningful, deeper connections within yourself and your relationships, here’s how to know if you’re actually practicing vulnerability, or just weaponizing therapy-speak.
Vulnerability is the harder thing to do in any given moment. Not the more confident thing, or the more secure thing, or even the more brash or brazen thing. It’s the thing to do at a moment where you can either lean in with bravery, or hide behind a piece of armor. It’s the thing you do that’s likely very uncomfortable and remains uncomfortable because it’s a stretch, not a habit. It’s not just a one-and-done approach. Vulnerability is a choice to do the harder thing over and over again. If you’re comfortable when you’re vulnerable, you’re not being vulnerable.
Ask yourself if you’re shielding or exposing. If saying the word “vulnerable” helps with the courage to be vulnerable, then use it to keep yourself in the lane of exposure. But if saying it becomes a shield between the internal crevices of your heart space and your partner, then that shield is cutting vulnerability off at the pass.
Vulnerability is what carries your heart all the way through from the inside to the outside, and that might look different from the way your partner expresses being vulnerable. We often get vulnerability wrong because at the pinnacle of an interaction between two people, vulnerability shows up different for everyone on the inside. Regardless of how it looks, we know when it’s there, because there’s a heartfelt connection that occurs either within yourself and/or within the relationship between you and another person. Looking to someone else to know how to do it can be misleading because it may not be where you require the most courage. Taking your utmost honest heartspace outward can sometimes be where the disconnection lies. Carrying the courage, pulling that thread through from your heart to your actions, is the way vulnerability shows up in a partnership. Carry your heart all the way through.
Accountability can be incredibly uncomfortable, and if you’re standing in it, it’s a likely place vulnerability exists for you as well. Think about what it’s like to take real accountability for something. It’s a total de-armoring experience, right? In order to do this, we have to move our pride aside to make space for the truth in the experience someone else may be having with us, regardless of intent. There is no shame in admitting wrong-doing. We get off-track, we make mistakes. Shame can and does exist sometimes in the space of where we went wrong but breaking the cycle of going into a shame storm starts with being able to talk about it.
Reflexive and reflective thinking allow you to expose ceilings and protective pieces of armor that can keep you stuck. When you’re reflective, you’re showing up in a way that opens you up to feedback and unpack it to a level of understanding that benefits you. This isn’t about needing to change who you are, but it is about needing to grow deeper in your understanding of yourself. What makes you, you? Why do you hold certain things more important than others? How do you value what’s important to you in your life? And so many more. Ask yourself “Why?” Why do you do/think/act/eat/breathe/sleep/enjoy what you do? In a relationship, this shows up as a willingness to be open and authentic. The deeper you understand yourself, the deeper you can understand your partner, and from this, connection and growth organically happen. Reflexivity is the active process of holding feelings, thoughts and experiences together at the same time. It’s what you’re doing in tandem while you’re actively reflecting. Moving from reflective to reflexive thinking is a live-in-action way to do things differently in your life space. It’s presence, it’s mindful, it’s deep shit.
Listening without an agenda is an incredibly powerful human experience. Recognizing when it’s not about you is a powerful way to experience and sit with vulnerability. Think about the times when you’ve felt seen or heard. Most likely, these were times when the person sitting across from you was fully and intently giving you the attention you needed. This can be made with eye contact, putting the tech away but above all else, using the time to listen without waiting for your turn to insert your point into the conversation. Listening without an agenda is a solid practice in the space of being vulnerable because you’re coming to the table without your armor, your defenses or your pre-judgments. It’s hard to sit there without any of these protective elements, but you’re giving your partner the safest environment possible, allowing him or her to feel truly seen by you. When is the last time you’ve sat in an experience someone else is having without trying to do or say something about it?
Express the truth that is coming from your internal voice in a kind, resonant, loving way without any defenses. So often, we get stuck in evidence and proving, and defending and over-explaining and trying to convince. But what that does just continues a cycle of pointing the finger and the attention to be about someone else and not about you. This one is a sly way to step out of vulnerability and into protection. When we’re defending, criticizing, attempting to convince, we’re not standing in our space, we’ve gone on and jumped into someone else’s. Instead, learn how to speak in a way that is directly resonating truth for you. Knowing the ways you get sidetracked and pulled out of vulnerability help you to stay in it.
If vulnerability is “uncertainty, risk and emotional exposure,” then we know it’s the key to one of the deepest, most meaningful ways to experience love, joy and belonging. It’s hard but it’s not for nothing. Keeping this in mind when you’re doing the work helps you remember what you’re doing all this for - and I promise, it’s so incredibly worth it.
Have you had a vulnerability miss? We’ve all done it! Let me know in the comments below!
I’m a Psychotherapist and Relationship Coach that helps men and women answer the question of whether or not they’re in the right relationship by being able to show up for themselves first. If you’re self-reflective and seriously committed to doing the kind of work that’ll move you and your partner into the next level of depth and intimacy, I can help.